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Wanted: The Perfect Gay Haircut

September 27, 2011

I got a haircut from a young and polite fat girl today. The end result wasn’t great, just okay. And that got me thinking; Why just okay?

And I have a theory!

Listen to this: A hairdresser is an artistic person, like an artist making a sculpture or a designer making a fashion collection. But there is one big difference. The darkness within. A lot of great art are based on an alternative way of thinking and in a lot of anguish.

That doesn’t comply with hairdressers though. They are always happy and social, finished high school with good grades, they still think Roxette is the greatest band ever and have been best friends with their mothers since kindergarten.

That is a problem. Too much happy and not enough darkness within is the reason why my hairdresser only gave me an okay haircut today. She did not have the artistic depth to understand and communicate my personality into the haircut she was giving me.

I talked to a friend of mine about my problem, and he suggested that I should visit a gay guy hairdresser. He said that a gay guy hairdresser probably was bullied for being different when growing up; and later had to go trough the ordeal of “coming out of the closet” to his conservative Christian family and friends. And that having a background like that would give anyone “artistic darkness within”.

I found my friends suggestion great! Next time I’m definitely getting a gay guy hairdresser. And even if I don’t have what people call gaydar; how hard can it be to find a gay hairdresser? Hmm, I suspect that if I only go for the superficial attributes of a gay man to find my hairdresser, I might get a haircut inspired by gay clichés: like glitter, Elton John, RuPaul and Lady Gaga. Hmm, I don’t see me liking my hair looking like anything like that.

Hey, what if I would try to find a lesbian hairdresser? That would work. She could have a couple of tattoos, short black hair and an attitude that make straight men fall in love with her. Also some piercings! And she likes punk rock.

So. What I’m looking for is a hairdresser that:

1. Is a lesbian.
2. Has some piercings, not too many though, a moderate amount. Lets say 1-3 visual piercings.
3. Listens to Punk rock. But not too extreme. Green Day will do just fine. I don’t want to walk out with a red mohawk.
4. Is sociable but not shallow. Lets skip small talk about the weather and shopping and talk Woody Allen and music instead.
5. Did break all contact with her mother between ages 17 and 22.
6. Has tasteful tattoos, like the good ones on LA Ink.
7. Has some darkness within and anguish, but not so much that it effects her motor skills.

Okay! Now I’m off to find my new hairdresser (and break up with my young, polite fat one).

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