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Choking Kojak

April 2, 2011

sika tintinI have been told that some people did not understand my Peeping Sika post and what I saw that man doing through that window in front of his computer.

I just wanted to be well-mannered. So when I wrote the post I didn’t want to blurt out that the old man was masturbating. That felt so tacky.

Sure, instead I could have said that he was:

Beating off, jacking off, having a tug, arguing with Henry Longfellow, auditioning the hand puppet, badgering the witness, bashing the Bishop, beating Bob and the twins, beating the snot outta Rodney, bouncing the bunny, breaking the fish tank, burping the baby, buttering his corn, calling down for more Mayo, charming the snake, choking Kojak, churning his butter, clubbing the baby seal, collecting a specimen, cooking with Wong, cuffing the puppy, debugging the hard drive, doodling his noodle, draining his one-eyed monster, electing the president, faxing the Pope, firing the presidential staff, fondling the fisherman, freeing Willy, galloping the old lizard, gettin’ jizzy with it, getting a milk mustache, getting a stiffy, giving the seamen shore leave, glazing the donut, going blind, going on a date with Handrea and Palmela, going on Peewee’s little adventure, Han Solo, joining the Navy, knocking the top off, massaging the mink, milking the moose, playing the organ, popping the porpoise, punchin’ the midget, raising Stonehenge, rubbing one out, sanding wood, sharpening his pencil, spanking Elvis, wrestling with Jimmy, participating in the Zipper Olympics, or any other of the 1700 other synonyms found on The Worlds Largest Collection of Male Masturbation Synonyms over at W W Wank: Masturbation Headquarters!

But I didn’t. I didn’t want to offend anyone. I am a polite and courteous man and like my words to be polished. So in retrospect I could at least have used George Carlin’s favorite masturbation synonym: “Crowning the King.”

Or maybe “soiling the carpet” would have done the trick.

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