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Want to know who will win the Oscars? Read this!

March 5, 2010

This is my first time blogging so I figured I would make up for my lack of experience by making the longest post ever. That way nobody will actually read it and I haven’t made an ass of myself.

So what brought this on? Well, me, Lunki, Sika… and that Intern… always bet on the Oscars. Last year I lost big time but I blame that on my Asian wife who only allowed me to watch movies by directors named Wang, Wong or any other director that can be mistaken for some kind of genitalia. That’s why my favorite movies of 2008 was “Pingpong-Kingen” by Jens Johnsson, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” by Woody Allen and… some movie about a bunch of guys in a paper house who accidentally bring disgrace to their families honor by drinking the wrong kind of tea… or something. I digress.

This year I will win since Mrs. Director quit speaking to me after I made a friendly suggestion about spicing up our sex life by… actually having some. Sorry. Too much information. I told you I never blogged before. The point is I’ve had more time watching film this past year.

Let’s just skip to my list of estimated Oscar winners:

Bold = Seen it

Cursive = Not seen

Best Short Film, Live Action

The Door (2008): Juanita Wilson, James Flynn
Istället för abrakadabra (2008): Patrik Eklund, Mathias Fjällström
Kavi (2009): Gregg Helvey
Miracle Fish (2009): Luke Doolan, Drew Bailey
The New Tenants (2009): Joachim Back, Tivi Magnusson

WINNER: I don’t care as long as it isn’t the Swedish nominee “Istället för abrakadabra”. I know Patrik and Mathias and they are both wankers. I know for a fact that they raised the money for the movie by starting “a child cancer foundation” and then bet it all on horses.

Best Short Film, Animated

French Roast (2008): Fabrice Joubert
Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty (2008): Nicky Phelan, Darragh O’Connell
La dama y la muerte (2009): Javier Recio Gracia
Logorama (2009): Nicolas Schmerkin
Wallace and Gromit in ‘A Matter of Loaf and Death’ (2008) (TV): Nick Park

WINNER: I haven’t seen any of these but that’s okay. I hate animated shorts. Ingmar Bergman didn’t make them for a reason, you know?

Best Documentary, Short Subjects

China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province (2009) (TV): Jon Alpert, Matthew O’Neill
The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner (2009): Daniel Junge, Henry Ansbacher
The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant (2009) (TV): Steven Bognar, Julia Reichert
Królik po berlinsku (2009): Bartosz Konopka, Anna Wydra
Music by Prudence (2010): Roger Ross Williams, Elinor Burkett

WINNER: Królik po berlinsku (2009): Bartosz Konopka, Anna Wydra. Why? Funniest name of the bunch and I can’t wait to see some Hollywood celebrity stumble upon the pronunciation.

Best Documentary, Features

Burma VJ: Reporter i et lukket land (2008): Anders Østergaard, Lise Lense-Møller
The Cove (2009): Louie Psihoyos, Fisher Stevens
Food, Inc. (2008): Robert Kenner, Elise Pearlstein
The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers (2009): Judith Ehrlich, Rick Goldsmith
Which Way Home (2009): Rebecca Cammisa

WINNER: For some reason I think the nominees in this category will feel like Anthony Michael Hall at the prom in “Sixteen Candles” at the Oscar’s after party. If they get invited in. I mean the only previous winner in this category to ever get laid is Michael Moore.

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year

Ajami (2009)(Israel)
Das weisse Band – Eine deutsche Kindergeschichte (2009)(Germany)
El secreto de sus ojos (2009)(Argentina)
Un prophète (2009)(France)
La teta asustada (2009)(Peru)

WINNER: Bill Conti. This will be the only category where we don’t mind him cutting an acceptance speech short.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

Coraline (2009): Henry Selick
Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009): Wes Anderson
The Princess and the Frog (2009): John Musker, Ron Clements
The Secret of Kells (2009): Tomm Moore
Up (2009): Pete Docter

WINNER: “Coraline” was fantastic but if “Up” don’t win I promise I will listen to “The Best of Sika” nonstop for a year. Yes, there is a “Best of Sika”-CD out there. He gives them to everybody every Christmas, birthday or (worst of all) Valentine’s Day.

Best Achievement in Visual Effects

Avatar (2009): Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham, Andy Jones
District 9 (2009): Dan Kaufman, Peter Muyzers, Robert Habros, Matt Aitken
Star Trek (2009): Roger Guyett, Russell Earl, Paul Kavanagh, Burt Dalton

WINNER: Three worthy nominees but there can only be one. If the category was named “Best Hovering Backdrop” it would go to “District 9” or if it was called “Best Lens Flare” the winner would be “Star Trek”. But no… The statue for Best Achievement in Visual Effects is already taking a nap under a big old tree in Pandora.

Best Achievement in Sound Editing

Avatar (2009): Christopher Boyes, Gwendolyn Yates Whittle
The Hurt Locker (2008): Paul N.J. Ottosson
Inglourious Basterds (2009): Wylie Stateman
Star Trek (2009): Mark P. Stoeckinger, Alan Rankin
Up (2009): Michael Silvers, Tom Myers

WINNER: “The Hurt Locker” deserves it since it’s the only nominee that actually uses sound editing in a narrative way.

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing

Avatar (2009): Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson, Tony Johnson
The Hurt Locker (2008): Paul N.J. Ottosson, Ray Beckett
Inglourious Basterds (2009): Michael Minkler, Tony Lamberti, Mark Ulano
Star Trek (2009): Anna Behlmer, Andy Nelson, Peter J. Devlin
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009): Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Geoffrey Patterson

WINNER: This is where “shit goes BOOM” pays off, which should mean that “Transformers: Revenge of the Dumbass Long Title” wins… but the film is so God damn awful that I doubt anybody with a soul will put a vote on it. (But then again, this is Hollywood we’re talking about.) “Avatar” for the win here.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song

Crazy Heart (2009): T-Bone Burnett, Ryan Bingham(“The Weary Kind”)
Faubourg 36 (2008): Reinhardt Wagner, Frank Thomas(“Loin de Paname”)
Nine (2009): Maury Yeston(“Take It All”)
The Princess and the Frog (2009): Randy Newman(“Almost There”)
The Princess and the Frog (2009): Randy Newman(“Down in New Orleans”)

WINNER: T-Bone! Just so Randy Newman can go home empty handed again.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score

Avatar (2009): James Horner
Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009): Alexandre Desplat
The Hurt Locker (2008): Marco Beltrami, Buck Sanders
Sherlock Holmes (2009): Hans Zimmer
Up (2009): Michael Giacchino

WINNER: Tough one… James Horner is always a favorite candidate but personally I thought his “Avatar” score sucked blue balls. “The Hurt Locker” had a great score but the days of awarding suspenseful music died with Bernard Herrmann. My personal favorite is actually Hans Zimmer’s “Sherlock Holmes” score even though it wasn’t very original… and the word “original” is even in the category’s name. And it got to be cute these days so… “Up” for the win here.

Best Achievement in Makeup

Il divo (2008): Aldo Signoretti, Vittorio Sodano
Star Trek (2009): Barney Burman, Mindy Hall, Joel Harlow
The Young Victoria (2009): John Henry Gordon, Jenny Shircore

WINNER: I’m sure the other two movies got great make up but I just can’t live in a world that doesn’t award whoever gave Rachel Nichols a green body paint. Note to James Cameron: just paint Rachel Nichols green and copy paste her all over the screen for “Avatar 2”. It will be a lot cheaper and still look great in 3D.

Best Achievement in Costume Design

Bright Star (2009): Janet Patterson
Coco avant Chanel (2009): Catherine Leterrier
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009): Monique Prudhomme
Nine (2009): Colleen Atwood
The Young Victoria (2009): Sandy Powell

WINNER: “Bright Star” might be porn for hat makers (seriously; I think the close ups of the hats in that film had it’s own “bow chicka wow wow”-score) but it shouldn’t stand a chance against Coco Chanel.

Best Achievement in Art Direction

Avatar (2009): Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg, Kim Sinclair
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009): David Warren, Anastasia Masaro, Caroline Smith
Nine (2009): John Myhre, Gordon Sim
Sherlock Holmes (2009): Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer
The Young Victoria (2009): Patrice Vermette, Maggie Gray

WINNER: “Avatar”… They redesigned GRASS! Why? I guess they didn’t think God’s design was worthy enough to be stepped on by giant Smurfs. I guess that’s why Johnny the Intern growls whenever I mention James Cameron?

Best Achievement in Editing

Avatar (2009): Stephen E. Rivkin, John Refoua, James Cameron
District 9 (2009): Julian Clarke
The Hurt Locker (2008): Bob Murawski, Chris Innis
Inglourious Basterds (2009): Sally Menke
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009): Joe Klotz

WINNER: “The Hurt Locker” – it’s honestly a bit of a surprise for me to see the other nominated movies here. I guess they didn’t bother to look further? One of the nominated movies felt like there was at least half an hour of Blue Man group hugging trees missing and that isn’t a good thing.

Best Achievement in Cinematography

Avatar (2009): Mauro Fiore
Das weisse Band – Eine deutsche Kindergeschichte (2009): Christian Berger
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009): Bruno Delbonnel
The Hurt Locker (2008): Barry Ackroyd
Inglourious Basterds (2009): Robert Richardson

WINNER: I have a hard time thinking “Avatar” will get this one since… well… I have no idea what was actually shot by a cinematographer in that. Richard Richardson is one of my top 5 cinematographers working today but his work in “Inglourious Basterds” was… bland. I don’t care who wins this but since we have a bet going here (whoever wins get to have Johnny the Intern clean their home for a year. If Johnny wins… Hell will freeze over) I will have to say… “Harry Potter and the blah blah”, the movie I liked the least here.

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published

District 9 (2009): Neill Blomkamp, Terri Tatchell
An Education (2009): Nick Hornby
In the Loop (2009): Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009): Geoffrey Fletcher
Up in the Air (2009/I): Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner

WINNER: Give it to Nick Hornby so the “Up in the Air”-gang won’t get it. I liked “District 9” but not for its script. I liked that script better when its main themes was separately called “The Fly”, “Starship Troopers” and “Beverly Hills Cop”.

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen

The Hurt Locker (2008): Mark Boal
Inglourious Basterds (2009): Quentin Tarantino
The Messenger (2009/I): Alessandro Camon, Oren Moverman
A Serious Man (2009): Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Up (2009): Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Thomas McCarthy

WINNER: I bet the Coen brother’s acceptance speech will be awesome. And the look of Quentin Tarantino when he tries to look like he isn’t disappointed? Priceless.

Best Achievement in Directing

Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker (2008)
James Cameron for Avatar (2009)
Lee Daniels for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009)
Jason Reitman for Up in the Air (2009/I)
Quentin Tarantino for Inglourious Basterds (2009)

WINNER: Katheryn Bigelow and NOT because she’s a woman. That is just sexist nonsense to think like that. It’s because she’s a MILF that deserves it.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Penélope Cruz for Nine (2009)
Vera Farmiga for Up in the Air (2009/I)
Maggie Gyllenhaal for Crazy Heart (2009)
Anna Kendrick for Up in the Air (2009/I)
Mo’Nique for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009)

WINNER: Since I have only seen “Up in the Air” I feel obliged to say Vera Farmiga… or her stand in. But I kinda hope to see Maggie Gyllenhaal up there. I’m sure Mo’Nique deserves it but I really don’t feel like hearing her “thaaaaank the looooord!!!!” like she has done at other award shows. It gives me flashbacks to that costume party where Johnny the Intern accidentally got drunk while being dressed up as Queen Latifah.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Matt Damon for Invictus (2009)
Woody Harrelson for The Messenger (2009/I)
Christopher Plummer for The Last Station (2009)
Stanley Tucci for The Lovely Bones (2009)
Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds (2009)

WINNER: If Christoph Waltz isn’t up on that stage making yet another weird and unfunny acceptance speech on Sunday the terrorists won. I bet they just nominated the other (awfully talented actors) just to be polite.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side (2009)
Helen Mirren for The Last Station (2009)
Carey Mulligan for An Education (2009)
Gabourey Sidibe for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009)
Meryl Streep for Julie & Julia (2009)

WINNER: Katheryn Bigolow for being a woman!

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role


Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart (2009)
George Clooney for Up in the Air (2009/I)
Colin Firth for A Single Man (2009)
Morgan Freeman for Invictus (2009)
Jeremy Renner for The Hurt Locker (2008)

WINNER: The Dude, dude! I must add that I really loved the otherwise bland Colin Firth in “A Single Man”.

Best Motion Picture of the Year


Avatar (2009): James Cameron, Jon Landau
The Blind Side (2009): Gil Netter, Andrew A. Kosove, Broderick Johnson
District 9 (2009): Peter Jackson, Carolynne Cunningham
An Education (2009): Finola Dwyer, Amanda Posey
The Hurt Locker (2008): Kathryn Bigelow, Mark Boal, Nicolas Chartier, Greg Shapiro
Inglourious Basterds (2009): Lawrence Bender
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009): Lee Daniels, Sarah Siegel-Magness, Gary Magness
A Serious Man (2009): Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Up (2009): Jonas Rivera
Up in the Air (2009/I): Daniel Dubiecki, Ivan Reitman, Jason Reitman

WINNER: They decided to nominate 10 films this year but seriously… 2 would’ve been enough. This belongs to the ex-couple Cameron/Bigolow. When they make a movie out of this year’s Oscars they will be played by Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner and the title will be: “War of the Roses 2”. I like “The Hurt Locker” a lot more than “Avatar” but I wouldn’t mind if they decided to pick the winner by having an arm wrestling contest. (Because Kathryn Bigelow would win that too.)

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